It’s been 6 months since my last confession. Er, I mean post. On the first day of a New Year when many people get inspiration to go after that thing that they’ve been wanting to do or neglecting, I found the oomph to write.
I can. I will. I am.
So here’s the skinny on my absence. Within the same 2 week period in June last year, we sold our house and recording studio, moved into a rental house half the size and I left one job and started another. My new job, doing product marketing management for a pre-IPO software company, a level of marketing I’ve never done before, made for a very intense first 3 month “ramp up.” Doing this level of work for any company would make for a challenging first 3 months. I naively said, “Yes” to leading the marketing for a new product launch and putting together everything required for US and UK sales training, and doing the actual training 8 weeks after I started.
Hello Crazy Stress.
To get anywhere close to success required that I work way more than I ever imagined doing as a mother of young children. The first three months on the job, I’d guess I averaged 80 hours a week. After the product launch in October, I averaged 60 hours a week up until this past week that I’ve thankfully had off with my family.
I feel like I’m losing (or lost?) my identity as an Attachment Parenting, Hippie-ish, Vegan Wanna-Be Mom. I haven’t known how the heck to write about it and have been too exhausted to try. Any spare time I’ve had outside of working, I’ve wanted to spend with my girls and husband or sleep – and not write a blog post lamenting about missing my girls.
I’ve gone from wearing long gypsy skirts and flip-flops to belted dresses and high heals. I’ve gone from snuggling with my girls until they fall asleep to hugging them both goodnight after stories and leaving my Littlest to cry for me with her Daddy while I go back to work. Though I still maintain a decent level of compassionate “Say What You See” communication to mediate conflicts, there’s been several occasions where my lack of self-care and feelings of overwhelm resulted in fully flipping a lid. Flash temper. Yelling. Threatening “you can’t have this if you do that.” Asking “why are you being so mean?” and any number of other reptilian brain reactions that don’t translate into any form of Zen Mama whatsoever. And ultimately seeing a reflection of myself in my children that is really hard to see.
I’ve gone from passionately pursuing a plant-based, low-sugar diet for my family to cracking on it all. Not because I’ve changed my belief on how rotten dairy and sugar is for our health. Emotional comfort, addiction and “easy” trumped short and long-term health. Not in excess. But enough to have me not want to claim being “mostly vegan.”
I find myself typing and deleting and typing and deleting. I could circle around how hard it is to work so much with small children (and then I’m reminded of single mothers who work 2 jobs and I promptly stomp on this thought). I could ruminate about how guilty I feel and how I so want to feel more connected every day. I’ve done plenty of this with my husband and in my head. But really – what good does that do? The truth is — the recession fully kicked our asses and we’re very grateful that this job opportunity crossed my path and that together we can provide for our family in the way we want and save for long-term security.
Where I struggle to find peace is the identity loss of a persona that I created for myself publicly here on Attachment Mama. I’m generally a person uncomfortable with ambiguity. This has left the Universe laughing at me often and inspires me to embrace Mystery and Change and an expanded view of what’s best for our family.
What could Attachment Parenting mean for our family now?
(To be continued.)
Wishing every mother the best for themselves and their families in 2012. Happy New Year!