Absentmama.com

By Monica Cravotta  |  Published: Sunday, January 1, 2012

It’s been 6 months since my last confession. Er, I mean post. On the first day of a New Year when many people get inspiration to go after that thing that they’ve been wanting to do or neglecting, I found the oomph to write.

I can. I will. I am. 

So here’s the skinny on my absence. Within the same 2 week period in June last year, we sold our house and recording studio, moved into a rental house half the size and I left one job and started another. My new job, doing product marketing management for a pre-IPO software company, a level of marketing I’ve never done before, made for a very intense first 3 month “ramp up.”  Doing this level of work for any company would make for a challenging first 3 months. I naively said, “Yes” to leading the marketing for a new product launch and putting together everything required for US and UK sales training, and doing the actual training 8 weeks after I started.

Hello Crazy Stress.

To get anywhere close to success required that I work way more than I ever imagined doing as a mother of young children. The first three months on the job, I’d guess I averaged 80 hours a week. After the product launch in October, I averaged 60 hours a week up until this past week that I’ve thankfully had off with my family.

I feel like I’m losing (or lost?) my identity as an Attachment Parenting, Hippie-ish, Vegan Wanna-Be Mom. I haven’t known how the heck to write about it and have been too exhausted to try. Any spare time I’ve had outside of working, I’ve wanted to spend with my girls and husband or sleep – and not write a blog post lamenting about missing my girls.

I’ve gone from wearing long gypsy skirts and flip-flops to belted dresses and high heals. I’ve gone from snuggling with my girls until they fall asleep to hugging them both goodnight after stories and leaving my Littlest to cry for me with her Daddy while I go back to work. Though I still maintain a decent level of compassionate “Say What You See” communication to mediate conflicts, there’s been several occasions where my lack of self-care and feelings of overwhelm resulted in fully flipping a lid.  Flash temper. Yelling. Threatening “you can’t have this if you do that.” Asking “why are you being so mean?” and any number of other reptilian brain reactions that don’t translate into any form of Zen Mama whatsoever. And ultimately seeing a reflection of myself in my children that is really hard to see.

I’ve gone from passionately pursuing a plant-based, low-sugar diet for my family to cracking on it all. Not because I’ve changed my belief on how rotten dairy and sugar is for our health. Emotional comfort, addiction and “easy” trumped short and long-term health. Not in excess. But enough to have me not want to claim being “mostly vegan.”

I find myself typing and deleting and typing and deleting. I could circle around how hard it is to work so much with small children (and then I’m reminded of single mothers who work 2 jobs and I promptly stomp on this thought). I could ruminate about how guilty I feel and how I so want to feel more connected every day.  I’ve done plenty of this with my husband and in my head. But really – what good does that do?  The truth is — the recession fully kicked our asses and we’re very grateful that this job opportunity crossed my path and that together we can provide for our family in the way we want and save for long-term security.

Where I struggle to find peace is the identity loss of a persona that I created for myself publicly here on Attachment Mama. I’m generally a person uncomfortable with ambiguity. This has left the Universe laughing at me often and inspires me to embrace Mystery and Change and an expanded view of what’s best for our family.

What could Attachment Parenting mean for our family now?

(To be continued.)

Wishing every mother the best for themselves and their families in 2012.  Happy New Year!

Posted in AP and Working Moms | 1 Comment

Attachment Mama, What Up?

By Monica Cravotta  |  Published: Wednesday, September 22, 2010

It’s been almost 2 weeks since my incredible 24-hour retreat alone. I did not intend to take this much time off from Attachment Mama! A few people have asked to hear how my big night away went, so I’ll happily conjure up the memory of it here now.

Though The Crossings retreat and wellness center offers complete spa services, I did not indulge in that this time around. I did, however, fully enjoy a delightful dinner in silence with two $10 glasses of red wine.  Then, in a solidly buzzed state, I sauntered back to my guesthouse where my pristinely clean and tidy room awaited me with a private deck and balcony overlooking the Balcones Canyon lands Preserve. I breathed in the air, the view, the solitude, and the sunset with complete gratitude and a peaceful heart, knowing my girls were perfectly content with their father. I realize the mellow state of my being is probably more attributable to the two generously poured glasses of wine floating through my veins versus a truly natural feeling of content about being away from my little angels overnight for the first time.

After gazing at the rugged natural beauty around me for several minutes on the deck, I came back inside, closed all the window shades, undressed and was asleep in a kick-ass cozy bed within five minutes.  It was 8:30 p.m.. And I slept for 13 hours!  I did wake up briefly at the standard early-bird time my daughters wake up (5:45, God Bless). My heart raced with fret, wondering if my Littlest was O.K.  But after taking a few deep breaths, I thankfully fell back to sleep, enjoying my first post-baby solid “sleep-in” until 9:00. Pure Luxury!!

Since returning from my mini vacation, I’ve been focused on several time-intensive projects at work including coordinating pre-screening events of a film called “Forks Over Knives” with Whole Foods Market all around the country. The provocative film highlights the groundbreaking research of Cleveland Clinic surgeon, Caldwell B Esselstyn Jr. (Rip’s father) and T. Colin Campbell, PhD, author of The China Study.  They’ve both spent the last 25 years proving through research and patient studies that a plant-based diet can prevent many standard Western Diseases, including heart disease and diabetes.  The film officially releases to the public on March 11, 2011. Our press release that includes dates and locations of all the pre-screening events taking place in October should go out tomorrow.

Even though I still can’t claim to eat 100% plant-based myself and have had a whole variety of comical emotional responses to this reality since I joined the Healthy Eating team and Rip/Engine 2 –  I now confidently wear the PlantStrong badge. It’s exciting to be part of this healthy eating education movement — especially as I witness firsthand the idea of a plant-based diet becoming less and less fringe or “impossible” and increasingly more popular as people of all walks of life get curious about the benefits and start giving it a try.

Just today, CNN posted an interview with President Bill Clinton talking about his choice to eat almost entirely plant-based with the hope of reversing his heart disease. And he credits the studies of Rip’s father, T.Colin Campbell and Dean Ornish, MD as the research that lead him to this decision.

We have new intensity on the home front as well. The Big News: We’ve decided to sell our beloved house and recording studio. Tiny sniff. The choice to do so has been two years in the making as we’ve gone back and forth on Hideout Studios, our personal Field of Dreams.

The original vision in building it was first, to scratch the recording studio itch in my husband, and second, to replace my income (or close to it), so I could follow my long-imagined desire to be home with my children during their early years.

We envisioned living in our home for twenty years or more and raising our family there. A new perspective and reality came with the Great Recession. When it hit both Mark’s interior design business and the recording studio, and I was in full SAHM mode, we went for months with 10 percent of our pre-baby income, whittling our savings away bit by bit to cover the bills, convinced each month things were bound to turn around and we needed to hang in there.

We finally turned the corner this Spring. And the experience left us with a keen desire for my husband to focus his attention on one business instead of two, and to lower our living expenses so we’re better prepared for the future. We have absolutely zero regrets in building our house and studio in the first place as we’ve grown in a 100 ways that we wouldn’t have otherwise. We’ve witnessed so many wonderful musical works of art come to life including Sweet Songs, Molly Venter, Craig Hella Johnson, and most recently — Ben Kweller’s latest album– plus many others in between. And now we prepare to pass the torch.

So we’ve been working like mad the last month or so to prep the house to go on the market some time in October. And the most significant part of this preparation will require us to move out for 10 days while our water-damaged wood floors are sanded and re-stained. Starting tomorrow.

The Universe knows I don’t do well with boredom. But, Jeesh!

So between all this hubub, in the back of my mind the last two weeks I’ve been mulling over how to keep on keepin’ on with my personal creative outlet and service to other new parents: Attachment Mama — AND stay reasonably well-rested and sane.

No answer yet except continuing to write, but less often.

Posted in AP & Self Care, AP and Working Moms | No Comments

Mommy Fatigue Syndrome

By Monica Cravotta  |  Published: Wednesday, September 1, 2010

The Symptoms:  Running on fumes. All the time. And when you should and can sleep at the end of the day, you suddenly have a second wind that keeps you up past 10 pm.

This is me. And has been me since my first child was born four years ago and has been more so since my second was born two years ago. I haven’t wanted to fully acknowledge or deal with it because I’m stubbornly attached to my “I have to” list.

Last summer, my friend Lois saw me and told me it was critical that I start paying attention to myself and my health.  She said something to the effect of, “You’re one of the most vibrant people I know and looking at your eyes now, you’re so run down you’re hanging on a thread.”

Both naturopaths that I’ve seen over the last year, along with an acupuncturist echoed each other in saying, “your adrenals are completely shot.”

I had no idea what that meant other than knowing that I’ve been addicted to adrenaline rushes most of my life and that maybe my current perpetual lack of energy or odd late night surges of energy within myself was out of whack. Each person I saw had similar advice as well: Go to bed at 10:00 at the latest. (Why am I still not doing this??). And carefully tend to my diet — avoiding high glycemic foods.

Yes, Ok. Will do! And then off I go to tend to my children, my new job, my blog….and everything on my “have to, have to, have to” list.

When I got home from work tonight at 6:00 pm and wanted to collapse on the couch with fatigue — but couldn’t because I had to take care of my children and finish putting dinner together and help them to eat and clean up and help them to bed — I came up with the Attachment Mama topic du jour: “Mommy Fatigue Syndrome.”

Predominantly impacting mothers, the true term for my physical state is called Adrenal Fatigue Syndrome.  Thirty seconds on Google brought up numerous sites offering helpful information.

The symptoms:

• Fatigue, lethargy:
  • Lack of energy in the mornings, and also in the afternoon between 3 and 5 pm.
  • Often feel tired between 9 and 10 pm, but resist going to bed.
• Lightheadedness (including dizziness and fainting) when rising from a sitting or laying-down position.
• Lowered blood pressure and blood sugar.
• Difficulty concentrating or remembering (brain fog).
• Consistently feeling unwell or difficulty recovering from infections.
• Craving either salty or sugary foods to keep going.
• Unexplained hair loss.
• Nausea.
• Alternating constipation and diarrhea.
• Mild depression.
• Decreased sex drive.
• Sleep difficulties.
• Unexplained pain in the upper back or neck.
• Increased symptoms of PMS for women – periods are heavy and then stop (or almost stop) on the 4th day, only to start flow again on the 5th or 6th day.
• Tendency to gain weight and inability to lose it – especially around the waist.
• High frequency of getting the flu and other respiratory diseases – plus a tendency for them to last longer than usual.

Then I looked at the recommended solutions which included diet changes, of course. Because diet is everything!  And dang it, wouldn’t you know my nightly glass of red wine that I’ve been treating myself to since life got stressful 2 years ago is one of the no-no’s. Duh. Knew it. Haven’t wanted to deal with it.

Having read through all the dietary and lifestyle recommendations, I’m now going to sign off and do my best to get at least seven hours of sleep tonight.

Posted in AP & Self Care, AP and Working Moms | 2 Comments

Top 10 Efficiency Tips to Simplify the Mama Juggling Act

By Monica Cravotta  |  Published: Tuesday, July 27, 2010

When I wrote my last post I felt like I was on the verge of complete and utter implosion with my personal Mother-Work-Home juggling act. I took the last week off from Attachment Mama to clear my head, to look into ways to make life easier for our family and to finally, once and for all, re-incorporate regular exercise into my life – which has always been my sure-fire magic pill for stress management if I make it happen.

I sought out suggestions and received a ton of great ideas — most of which came from women I didn’t know (how cool is that?) — and I have already incorporated a few of the tips into our routine.

On the exercise front, starting tomorrow, I will be riding my bike to work! This may seem like piddly exercise to many of you — but for me, it’s huge. I haven’t ridden my bike since before I was pregnant with my first child — which was 2005! My exercise routine in general has been abysmal, if it happens at all. My husband got the bike tuned up for me and with a sassy new pair of mint green Keens — I will be pedaling with a lap top on my back in the a.m.

On the “how to make life easier” front –  I reached out for advice from a fantastic Austin Working Mother support group I joined this Spring called Business and Balance founded by Renee Trudeau. Renee wrote the book, The Mother’s Guide to Self-Renewal. Women all around the country are joining together in personal renewal groups to go through Renee’s book together.  Similar to Artist Way groups — but instead of coming together to clear creative blocks, you discover how to create life balance post Motherhood together.

So I asked the savvy entrepreneur moms that are in the Biz and Balance group if they had some tricks for making the Mama juggling act easier — both at home and at work.  If any of you share the “How the cuss do I do it all?” question on occasion, here’s some of the highlights of the suggestions I received:

1. Weekly Meal Planning and Dinner Short-Cuts. My creative idea of trading room and board for cooking support during the week fell flat as our live-in cook moved out 2 weeks after I went back to work whole time due to too many other commitments. She was a great help while we had her and we’re happy to figure things out on our own now.  Ideas to make putting dinner together easier:

(more…)

Posted in AP & Self Care, AP and Working Moms | 10 Comments

When All You Want to Do is Yell

By Monica Cravotta  |  Published: Monday, July 19, 2010

My next goal in life is to be a book author and speaker. Just typing those words right now I almost laugh out loud as I battle my dominant inner voice that says, “Yeah right, when in the world are you going to write a book? And, “What could you speak to people about? You’re not an expert in anything!”

Holding the space for the desire for now. I guess technically I have enough material that swims through my head daily and can be found on this web site to write a book.

But when I imagine myself speaking and try to drum up my inspiring presentation topic, the only thing I can come up with right now is, “Attachment Mama’s 101 Ways to Unravel as a new Parent” or “Attachment Parenting, Full-Time Work and Self-Care? Best of Luck!”  Not that inspiring!

Today is one of those Mondays where I really would love the social freedom to stand in the middle of the street, on top of my desk at Whole Foods and in the middle of a meditation or yoga class (yes, all three) and yell at the top of my lungs.

Yes. I would find that enormously satisfying. And then after I let go of each of those yowls, I would like to be transported instantly to Colorado where I could hike for three hours to the top of a mountain and yell some more.

I could go into my personal sob story on why self-care feels utterly impossible to me and how challenging my personal juggling act is and how I’m running on empty consistently. But I feel totally lame doing that because I know every mother has her own version of spinning plates. And not to mention single mothers out there that are doing all of it without any help!  And, worse than that, there are mothers who are dealing with a lot more than figuring out how to stay sane while feeling over-extended.

Most the time at work, I keep to myself because I have 1800 (feels like) projects to manage and can’t afford to get distracted by small talk.  For the same reason, I rarely if ever get on the phone any more with my girl friends.  I’m sure I come across as unfriendly at work and lame to my friends, and that sucks.  I’m working on figuring it all out…

So last week I decided to reach out to a woman at work that I had secretly labeled “rough around the edges.”

I asked questions about her job, her expertise on certain products and then noticed a picture of a teenage boy on her shelf.  So I asked if it were her son.  She said, “Yes.”

I then asked how old he was.

She said, “He was 14 in that picture, but he was 23 when he died.”

I quite literally started crying on the spot as I told her how sorry I was.

She went on to say through her own tears that if I’ve overheard her being short with people on the phone that even though it’s been three years, she still has trouble coping and being present in the world.  Good Lord, of course.

Can anyone imagine anything worse to have to live with every day?

When I then think about the work-house-children-childcare-diet-marriage-no exercise rut that I’m in, I think, Thank Your LUCKY stars for the health and well-being of your children and husband, for your health, and for your job.

Now, just because I know that other women are facing life challenges far, far, far bigger and deeper than mine — I still believe that we all have feelings of frustration that come up that we need to process and allow to move through us so that our emotions don’t come out sideways if you know what I mean.

According to Carrie Contey, when you feel like upping the volume with your frustration about something related to your children — do it!  It’s healthy and normal to express frustration and anger. But here’s the trick.  Don’t unleash ON them.  She recommends letting the emotions flow UP and out of you and avoid scaring or shaming them directly.

So, instead of yelling at their little faces about whatever they’re doing in the moment that’s driving you crazy, tilt your head up and yell at the ceiling or the sky with “I” exclamations.  “I’M SO FRUSTRATED!!!”  or “HITTING HURTS PEOPLE and I WANT IT TO STOP!!”  or “THIS IS NOT OK WITH ME!!!”

And then our Littles can learn that feeling and expressing emotions like anger is normal and parents feel them too — but they’re not put in a place of being traumatized by it.

I think the greatest possible gift for our children would be to grow up witnessing and experiencing their parents expressing frustration, anger, and disappointment and modeling how to get to the other side to resolve issues and support each others feelings in the process.

My husband and I hold the vision for it every day and we’ll continue to practice until we get there.

Posted in AP & Self Care, AP and Working Moms, Conflict Resolution | 3 Comments

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